as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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