what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
