2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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