I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize