I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
