you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Randomize
