If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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