i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
She announced her abortion via fbk
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
