I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
