Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
