whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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