Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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