what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
there is glitter all over my balls
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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