all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
