i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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