There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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