She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I AM VODKA MAN
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
