dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
