is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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