cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
The uberlube is also flammable
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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