hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
FUCK WHALES
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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