Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
