So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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