By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
