I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
