he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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