I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Randomize
