the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
