His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
