I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize