he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize