Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
