Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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