If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
