I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
