I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
