i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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