what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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