First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
