don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
