I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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