ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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