remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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