I checked into jail on foursquare
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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