Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
