Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
My feet surprised me
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
