Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize