Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
