Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
