Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
