I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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