Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
