Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
