I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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