i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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