I think im going to throw up on grandma
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
