And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
