dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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