I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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