i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
